Why We Fired Lawson
A disruptive occurrence involving Justin R. Lawson, a new employee who began his appointment with Documents Bureau during the Chicago Art Department’s Crystal Ball necessitated the following OFFICIAL STATEMENT to nip in the bud any innuendo and back room snickering.
At times like this, we must face the fact that the collective “we” is only as strong as the weakest member of the team. Mr. Lawson had reckless ideas and with his unruly behavior Saturday night he went one step too far.
We will not apologize for our swift action. Was it not by the book? Was it not public and severe? Did we have the “absolute right” to descend and remove? We make a promise to each clerk on day one: your inevitable dismissal will be swift and immutable. At Documents Bureau no one is coddled.
Furthermore, conformity is the fuel that this document-producing machine runs on. And it burns hot, it burns quick, and the engine always needs more fuel. If you can’t get on board, maybe you aren’t cut out for this sort of work.
Let us, once more, air his faults as they were aired during his hasty public rebuke:
- atrocious spelling
- overly nervous demeanor
- chronic daydreamer
There is a sacred if lopsided arrangement between the lowly functionary and their embiggened superior. Put simply, it prevents chaos. Without constant evaluation would we ever meet our quotas? First, the document line comes to a standstill, then inactive stampers are LAID OFF. You don’t want it, and neither do we!
With this firing, please take heed.
The members of the Hastily Assembled Rebuking Committee